I have avoided writing about the subject of late because it can get boring talking about exactly the same subject repeatedly.
The subject is that of feelings for the person I currently like.
To give a brief background to this, whole issue, I have liked a certain girl for roughly 9 months. During this time, I have attempted to get over them and had my hopes raised again, and given the feelings an opportunity to stick around, on the off-chance that they might also have feelings for me.
These feelings have caused me to put a lot into our friendship, and I think that effort has enhanced our friendship and she is now one of my best friends, whether I have emotional feelings for her or not.
This is the current situation between us. Earlier on this week, I decided to talk to her directly about my feelings for the first time. I have discussed it in the past, however i didn't talk about it so obviously as I felt she felt awkward when I talked about that subject.
I was worried at first about talking to her about this, as I thought it could have a bad reaction with her and she could be a little put off about discussing it, even creeped out.
It didn't work out like this at all, she was very kind about it. As I expected, she knew how I was still into her and said that she expected this conversation to happen. She seemed happy to have the conversation and asked if there was anything she could do to help.
I couldn't really ask for this to be dealt with in a better way, she did the best to let me down as softly as she could, and i'm greatful for this.
At the same time, while discussing how I would get over her, we also talked about the future of us as friends. As she will be going to university in september, there is a particular date that I will not be able to see her for a couple of months. The past has proved this is vital, as it is probably the only way that I will manage to get over her (previously i've broken off all contact with her for 3 weeks, not allowing myself to even think of her, and that seemed to work, but the second that I met her again, it all returned).
I had decided that instead of breaking off all contact with her over the summer holidays, I would instead remain friends and enjoy our company, meanwhile, struggling against my feelings and making sure that I spread my time that I spend with people equally between my friends, rather than going with the obvious decision of spending as much time as I can with her.
Since this happened, I found that the more time I spent in town meeting various friends, the better I felt. This was obviously not because I disliked her company, but I saw what I was missing out on by deciding spend my time with her rather than other friends I have.
This is not the thing that made me happy, also I found that suddenly, I feel much less emotionally constricted, I can do whatever I like (as long as it's morally acceptable) without worrying about what I may ruin if it turns out she likes me and I have blown my chance.
I feel that I have strung this out rather excessively, so I feel that I should put a condensed version and summary down here.
Since I talked to her directly about my feelings, I feel that it has helped me start becoming freer; emotionally and socially.
I am probably going to organise to meet her this week, as I would very much like to keep our friendship, and just be rid of the emotional attachment to her; hopefully I will be able to keep this up after I next see her.
So as I said in the title, hopefully this will be the last blog post that I will mention an emotional attachment to her!